My Dance Partner

God DAMN I miss Home Depot!


There is a long list of complaints I have about our apartment. The management of the building has provided us with a “Complaint Log” in which we are supposed to write down said grievances and they will be addressed. This is the system as it was explained to us.

The system actually works like so:
*We write down everything that is broken or doesn’t work properly in this log and someone in management writes the words “Done” or “Repaired” next to it within a day or two. We look in the log and realize that it says “done” but it isn’t. We write down something along the lines of “No it isn’t. Get that ‘carpenter’ or ‘plumber’ back here and fix this shit.”

*A few days later a “carpenter” or whomever shows up with no tools, walks sheepishly into the apartment and stands there like an idiot until I physically take him to the offending appliance or piece of masonry or light bulb, etc. and (since I don’t know Hindi) pantomime to him what the problem is. He nods his head, leaves, and the complaint log shows up back in our apartment the next day, with the words “done” or “repaired” written next to our comments about the work not being done. We call one of the managers and explain that it isn’t done.

*A day or two later one of them shows up at the door. Usually a particularly shiftless worm named Charry. This happy bastard is all smiles and apologies and explanations about the “carpenter” being on his way. Neither hide nor hair of the tradesman is seen for another day or two but when he does show up, he is holding some sort of Neolithic tools and gets right to work. I leave the room (like a fool) and anywhere from one to eight hours later he rushes from the house. Wondering why the banging has stopped I ask my housekeeper where he has gone. The answer is always the same: “Finished, sir.” I go to inspect the work and inevitably it is done incorrectly if not just made to look like something was done. And three out of five times he has managed to break something else in the process.

*I phone the managers and we start the dance all over again. This time I stand there and tell the “carpenter” exactly what to do and how to fix whatever it is, he looks completely baffled but does as he’s told, and the work is finished.


Today they “repaired” a curtain rod, and the kitchen sink. The curtain rod is too short so every time the curtains are drawn, it falls clattering to the floor. I thought I’d get a head start on all of this by writing down very specifically what the “carpenter” should do. I wrote down that he needs to either A: get a longer curtain rod, or B: move the brackets that hold the rod closer together. Today while I sat unsuspectingly in the other room he re-drilled the exact same holes in the wall that the brackets were in and precariously balanced the rod in its usual place. When I came downstairs and tried to open the curtains, they fell down again, and he was no where to be found.

The faucet in the kitchen was never properly attached so when I move the stem, water comes squirting out from around the base and the whole thing, knobs and all, spins with the stem. The “plumber” came to fix that today (also while I wasn’t around), and now it seems to be securely fastened to the sink. What I didn’t realize until after I turned the water on, is that somehow during this repair he either pulled loose or purposely detached the drain from the sink, and did not bother to reattach it. So now the water runs down the sink and down into the cabinet underneath. The plumber was also, of course, nowhere to be found.

Heather always asks me why I don’t give them very specific instructions about repairs so I won’t have to get so angry at them when they screw it up. The reason is very simple: In order for these instructions to be truly detailed I would have to not only tell them what to do, but also what not to do. For instance, in the example I just mentioned, I would have to tell the plumber NOT to detach the drain when he fixed the faucet. How am I supposed to see that one coming? There are too many variables. So the next time the carpenter comes to, let’s say, fix a door, I have to tell him to fix the door, but not to remove any windows?

No. I’m afraid I will just have to take some Advil, not use the sink, and wait until tomorrow when the manager and I get to start our little dance all over again.

God DAMN I miss Home Depot.